The FTDA Horror Picture Show

Written by the FTDAers and edited by David "foxofan" Ganssle

This is based on a discussion I started in Let's Discuss Fashion(which is now the fanfic folder). It is a story that is more of an RPG, where the 'DAers write parts of the story with themselves in it. Here is the story so far, translated into narrative form by me.

As the rain pounded on me, I shuddered. I looked up at this supposedly haunted mansion known only as the "FTDA". No one knew what the initials were for. Perhaps "Fairly Terrifying Doom Alley". Or maybe "FoxTrot Discussion Area", though the chances were slim. I turned to the other FTDAers, as the members of Operation FTDA were referred to. "Everyone ready?" I asked. "Ok..." ace00899 said to me. He handed a shotgun to all the 'DAers, and warned us, "The only thing that can kill these things is buckshot..." Nebula, also known as cool girl, was in seemingly high spirits as she said, "Heehee, I brought myself a watergun incase we run into any witches. I'll bring my AEs along." Bubbles and Hobbes, her AE's were not as optimistic. "We're going into a haunted house?" "And the only weapon you are taking to defend yourself is a watergun?" "Pitiful, just pitiful." CG, a little ticked off, muttered "Oh, shutup."

"Okay," I said, "everyone ready?" I sighed. This was it. "Let's go in." Of course, some people didn't like the prospect of going into a haunted house. Bertie, for instance. "Oh, I say, Dave, why are we doing this?" "Who knows?" I said. "Makes life interesting." Bertie would ask that sort of thing. He wasn't too brave, as he was just an AE of mine. His name was Bertram Wilberforce Wooster, but all of his friends called him Bertie. He wasn't too smart, although he was smarter than a lot of his friends in his club, the Drones, which was in the 1920's in London, in the book series he's from by P. G. Wodehouse.

Cool girl was ready to go. "I brought my camera," she said. Her AE's, once again, commented. "why?? It's like we aren't sightseeing or anything." "Hey we might run into a ghost or a zombie or a witch or a...." Shaking, Nebula once again told them to shut up. Good old 7, the man with a million code names, was prepared. "I brought my own shotgun," he said showing it to us.

"...With my own slugs, too."

Bertie looked around cautiously. He saw a door and naturally opened it. Inside the room were 7,000 ghouls, who started advancing towards us. "Oh, no, we've got to stop them, Jeeves!" "Indeed, sir?" asked Jeeves. Bertie sighed. Suddenly, the annoying and mysterious person who called herself "hotgirl" popped up next to me and said, "wow foxofan youre so brave and cool and hot please please please marry me when you leave this castle". Exact quote. Darkliterate heaved a sigh of annoyance and said, "Just marry her, foxofan. That just might shut her up..." Ace then said to the ghouls, "Hold on!! Don't kill us yet!! We need a wedding!!" Mr. W made a heroic attempt to stop the ghouls, but his dagger got eaten by Skibbles. "Darn it Skibbles! Now how are we supposed to take them on?" "I have an idea!" Skibbles exclaimed as he pulled out the CD "Barney's Greatest Hits" and started playing. How he got it is beyond me, but the ghouls dissintigrated. "Woohoo!" exclaimed Mr. W. "Way to go Skibbles." "Now lets throw together a quick wedding!" "I get to be best man!"

Ace led us very carefully into the next room. I wasn't so careful. I looked around, saw nothing, and walked into a tripwire, which caused a jail cell gate to fall in front of me, trapping me. "Aw, frick," I said, "I'm caught! Ender, put that champagne bottle down. Someone help! I can't get out!" "Most disturbing, sir, " was all Jeeves would say. "Jeeves, help me out! You're the one with the superior brain! Why do you think everyone asks you?"

Ace looked at my predicament and said "ah...h**l...the bars are only steel....you can bust them..." He handed me a blowtorch and  mask. I melted the bars with the blow torch, but laser beams immediately appeared instead, still trapping me. "Great." Nebula and her AEs said, "Wow." "Very truly amazing! "Indeed." Ender, my arch-rival, no doubt celebrating the fact that I was trapped, only showed off his weapon of choice:

7, while on the subject of choice weapons, asked, "Isn't anyone gonna comment on my shotgun?" "No, you idiot. You suck" "Shut up." Obviously, no one cared I was still trapped, so I decided to play my sax, but realized I didn't have it. Thinking of it made me long for home. I wanted to get out of here. Jeeves seemed to understand now, as he took a mirror off of the wall and reflected one of the beams away, allowing me a little more room. "Is that satisfactory, sir?"

Mr. W still cared about me. He ran to save me, grabbing Ender's champagne for an energy boost. "Allright FoxoFan I'll save you. Skibbles, what should we do?" "Let's search for-" Suddenly, Skibbles got hit by my laser and exploded! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Skibbles no! You Were my only hamster! ( besides the other ten)" Mr. W sobbed. "nooo.. Now what do I do with you, your nothing but a stiff flaming hamster. I'll never forget you as you lay there burning to a crisp. I'll never- Hey! Smoked hamster! MMF. This is pretty good. What was it's name again?"

"Thanks for attempting to save me, winko, old buddy. Sorry about skibbles." I said. CG just stared, obviously disturbed. "Um alright," she said, trying to move on, "I'm going to take this water pistol and this dart gun." "I can use my claws to fight this guy off. " "I can use my super powers. Thanks to chemical X. " "Alright everyone lets go and....AUUUUUUUGHHH. Get it off, get it off!!" "It's a spider! Growup!" "EWWWWW, I hate spiders too!"

Sci-Fi brought his own weapon out:

"now then... about those 'monsters'... " Stetson looked around, and commented, "A haunted house, a group of people trapped in here, wandering around aimlessly. Is anybody else thinking of every episode of Scooby Doo?" "Yeah, but they didn't have shotguns with them." "Well, they should have. It would have made the show very interesting to watch. " "Thank You Charleton Heston. Now where is Puma Man? We could use him to help us out here." dl said, "D**n, not much can get more annoying than Scooby Doo..." 7 corrected Stet's AEs and said, "Charlton Heston. …And, S/T." Sci said, "they didn't have the H&K PSG-1 (sniper rifle), either..." Morphus/Goldy chuckled, "'And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!' KABLAM!!!! Freddy: 'Sorry, I just got sick of them saying that every single time.'"

Suddenly, Mr. Winkoshnuffen3(I don't know how many there are...), who was in another room, started screaming, "Oh No! I've been left behind! Where are the other FTDAers? AAAAAAAAA! I'm trapped alone in a haunted house! I (burp) Ugh, hamster fur taste." He walked in another direction, when suddenly..."WOOOOOOAAAH! I'm falling down a trap door!" He hit the bottom with an "Oof," and, looking around, said, "What the? I'm in a small room I think I'll check out this door." He looked in the room, and saw a hooded shadow. A phantom? "Aproach quietly," he told himself. "Approach quietly, approach q-" Suddenly, he looked with shock. "Good Lord, it's Billy Ray Cirus! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Billy said, "What say I strum up the guitar?" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mr. W3 shouted. "Somebody help me!" "Don't break my heart, my achy breaky heart...." "NOOOO! My head!AAAAAAGH!" Mr. W3 ran out into a different room. "Time to see what horrrors await me here..."

Ná-arâ, meanwhile, started doing the time warp, and MDB brought out 999,999 of his AEs, shouting, "DIE F**KERS! MY M-16 WILL KILL ALL OF YOU!" Ender, once again, held up his weapon of choice:

Laura said, "Duuuude..." and drooled. Ender proudly replied, "http://www.museumreplicas.com. Very kewol." MDB broke the knife and ran. Nebula giggled. "What is your weapon Nebula?" "Um, this watergun. And a stake to kill a vampire with." "And the watergun is used against witches right? That is stupid." "Since you are talking like that then I'm on my own." Nebula stuck out her tounge and walked off to explore the castle, leaving her AEs looking at each other. "A watergun?" Both she and Hobbes kept a straight face for a moment and burst out laughing.

Freev just showed up. "My weapon of choice is...

The Calvinball!" "Heh..." Sci said. "S/T, Freev..."

7 asked, "Anybody got some buckshot cartridges? I ran out shooting at the spiders." Ace handed him a 200 shell box saying "Here. I think I'll leave Hamster-boy alone for a while.... I prefer a katana...made by Masamune..." He dove in a bunch of zombies, did a limit break, and wound up being surrounded by a pile of guts. 7 replied, "Uh, these are 28 gauge, I need 16 gauge." Laura, seeing Ace give away weapons, gave her order. "Cross, water gun filled with holy water, and Half-Life's BSoD gun for me..." Ace opened up a gun shop and gave the people they're orders. "Yessss...." Laura hissed. She charged her gun with a few packs of "that biohazard stuff", demolished the wall, and chuckled. 7 turned to Ace and complained, "These are normal shotshells, dumb**s. I want buckshot." Ace replied "D**mit....thats what they are...they are disguised as buckshot...How do you think I sell it where it's illigeal?" 7 was baffled and tried to make sense of that comment. "alright..." Ace said, "In some places, buckshot is illegal. I disguize it as normal shells so I can sell buckshot where it is illegal. Got it now?"

I motioned to the other 'DAers to quiet down. I cautiously opened a door labled "Let's Discuss Anything". Behind the door was a huge room with several doors. I reached over and opened one labled "Ya'll be bulls**t". Suddeny, a terrifying creature called J-dog jumped out and started attacking everyone!

7 didn't seem to notice. "Yeah," he said to Ace, "but just then, you said it was disguised as buckshot. Screw the buck shot. I want a .45 Revolver. Then I'll be happy." "Right...." replied Ace, "you want hollow point bullets? Explosive? Or depleted uranium" "Super-high velocity," said 7. "I want bullets that can go 10 d**n miles."

Nebula was still fuming about her AEs. "Since those idiots are being mean to me about my watergun being my weapon..." Suddenly, she looked up. "AHHHHHHH! IT'S J-DOG. Wait a sec there isn't anything scary about him." She walked downstairs saying, "My friend is coming to get rid of the evil spirits with her powers." Then, her cell phone rang. She answered it. "Hello? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T COME AND GET RID OF THE EVIL SPIRITS??? Your car broke down?? *sigh* fine."

Ace continued with his weapons shop. "Depleted uranium it is. You want that in buckshot? (heh heh...think about it, shot gun pellets going ten miles...kick**s.)" I, meanwhile, pushed J-dog back into the "Bulls**t" room/discussion, closed the door, and sealed the discussion. Nebula said, "You might want to lock the door too Fox. Destroy the key. Board up the door. And pour cemet on it. Hammer some metal strips on it too. Heck just burn it."

Meanwhile, her AEs were pondering the situation. "Do you think we were too mean to her?" "She needs to learn how to handle a joke." As CG/Nebula's AE's were discussing it,Bertie cautiously sneaked(yes, that is the correct English)around the room. He bumped into a hiddeous monster and screamed, "AUGHH! Oh, sorry, you startled me. I thought you were my Aunt Agatha."

( Mr. Winkoshnuffen's Important Note-To protect the innocence of the people in here under age of thirteen all of the following swear words will be edited out with wholesome joyfull words.)

Mr. Winkoshnuffen continued to fall down the trap door.

"Holy sh-[happy little bunny rabbit]-! I'm falling own the f-[lollypop]-cking hole! Stupid f-[Arthur and Friends]-cking hole! Son of a b-[jolly leperchaun]-! This stupid -[flower]-[jello]-[orangeing] piece of [webster's dictionary] with [Ender's Evil Twin]. AAAAAGH!" He finally hit the bottom. "OOOF OW! Hey where am I, is there anyody down here?" A mysterious voice said, "Just I." "AAAAAGH!" Mr. W screamed. "Who are you? Where are you?" "Behind you," said the voice. Mr. W turned around. "Hey you're not a ghost, you're just a normal person with his head impaled upon a stick that he's holding in his hand." "Do not be afraid. My name is John, I was thirteen. I have been dead for ten years. I can help you get out of this place in exchange for one thing." "w-w-w whats th-that?" "The soul of a living person." "Um, that may prove to be difficult." "Not at all, I know there are others with you. I know everything Sam." "My name's not Sam." "Blasted. But there are others with you right?" "Um yes, I mean NO!, I mean yes, I mean yes, I mean yes. I mean.....yes." He sighed. "Take me to them," John ordered. "No! I would never betray the others!" "Fine, you'll just spend the rest of your life cooped up in a small dark room with a ghost. Let me tell you- let me tell you-um..." "Call me Mr. Winkoshnuffen." "Let me tell you, Mr.Winkoshnuffen, theres no way out. HA HA HA HA HA!" John threw his arms up and laughed for five minutes. Meanwhile, Mr. W walked over to the wall and kicked it. It collapsed. "Oh, blast," said John. "Good bye, John. I'm leaving now." But then Mr. W., unfortunately, walked right into a laser beam. "AAAAAAAUURRRGH!(gurgle)ugh." He looked down. "AAGH! Theres a giant bloody hole in my chest! Hmm, I feel fine though. Oh well." He started whistling "Ticket to Ride".

"You are a true patriot, Mr. Winkoshnuffen." I said. Suddenly, Bertie staggered in, obviously drunk. I turned to MDB and said, "I told you you shouldn't open up a bar in this castle!" Jeeves simply mixed one of his famous pick-me-ups, which revive people from hangovers or drunkedness. Bertie took it and was instantly revived. CG noticed the bar, walked up, and got a drink. "Hmmmmm, gooooooood." I walked over and ordered a few spirits. Suddenly, some actual spirits...of dead people...came up. I was scared. Bertie was scared. CG was staggering up to a clock. She saw her reflection, and said angrily to it, "WhAt aRe YOu sTAriNg aT? I oNly LoOk DrUnK." I just ran from the ghosts. I opened a door leading outside and ran for miles. I suddenly came across a pile of rubble and bricks. It was the remains of a demolished castle. What could this be, I thought to myself. Then it hit me. "Hey!" I said, "This must be the remains of the OFTDA!" "The what? " asked Bertie. "Perhaps I can explain, sir," said Jeeves. "Long ago, this was a lush forest. It was inhabited by happy people. In the center was a majestic castle known as the FoxTrot Discussion area. There used to be a main road from FoxTrot.com leading to it, but it was soon reconstructed to lead to the NFTDA, where we just were. The location of the OFTDA was only known to a few people, including most of our own crew. " "Yes, Jeeves," I said. "You see, Bertie, they thought it was safer that way. They didn't want the freaks from that haunted house invading this great castle." "Presicely, sir. Yet still, some of these undesirable guests barged in nevertheless and wreaked havoc." "This caused the inhabitants to act a little hostile towards uninvited guests, last of which were probably Mr. Winkoshnuffen and myself." "Ah,but why is it like this now?" asked Bertie. I could hear sentimental music building up as Jeeves said, "You see, sir, shortly afterward, the mighty Queen Sysop ordered the castle and the forest around it destroyed. Nobody knows why, sir, but you do not question her orders. Newbie Valley, the guestroom, Message Board Help, the throneroom, and all of the other rooms were completely demolished of any small discussion rooms." "The same happened to the other old castles. All that's left now is the terror-filled NFTDA. We must return to the others."*

As we returned to the castle, we found ourselves in a scary dungeon. "Oh, it's rather creepy here..." said Bertie. "Yeah, Bertie," I said. "Wait...there's something coming around the corner...what is it? It's coming closer...Oh, no! Hide, Bertie! It's Madeline Basset!" "AUGH!" Sure enough, it was. Bertie once fancied himself in love with her, but she was too much a sentimentalist. She doesn't exactly write poetry, but when a girl asks you out of a clear blue sky if you don't think the stars are God's daisy-chain, you begin to wonder.

"Bertie!" Madeline exclaimed, "What are you doing here?" "Well...I..." "I've just broken off my engagement to Augustus," Madeline said sadly. "What?!? No longer engaged to Gussie?!" "Yes, Bertie. He's been flirting with my cousin Stephanie." Bertie choked. This was the exact same thing that happened to him twice in the book The Code of the Woosters, when Gussie was taking a fly out of Stiffy's eye, and Madeline thought they were flirting. "No! He must not have been! It must be some mistake!" "No mistake," she replied, "So, I've decided to let you marry me so you will be happy." "AAUUUGH!"

Meanwhile, Mr. Winkoshnuffen was continuing to merrily walk the morbid haunted house with a hole gashing through his body. His previously killed alter ego hamster, Skibbles, had miracously come back to life during the virtual Calvin Ball that he stopped to play in the "Let's Discuss Sports" arena. Now, reacompanied with Skibbles, he continued to travel onward through the castle hoping to find an exit or the other FTDAers, whichever came first. "Tell me, Skibbles," he asked, "this incrediably huge gashing hole in my chest that's at this moment occasionly letting out organs: Is it noticable?" "Um, no..." Skibbles replied, "...not at all. I don't even no what your talking about." They opened up a door labled "Let's Discuss Books". "Hmm, we seem to be in a library. I wonder if anybody is here." Skibbles looked. "Look, theres a transparant man right there, reading a book. Ask him!" Mr. W gasped. "It's a ghost!" He whispered, "Quiet, Skibbles, he could be dangerous. We need to calmly sneak by him. He may not be able to see or hear us. Now step... step... step... step...step..ste-" "Say," said Skibbles, "doesn't this scene seem formalliar, walking through a library quietly, seeing a ghost reading a book, us slowly approaching..." "Yes, actually I believe something just like this happeded in 'Ghost Buste-'" The ghost dropped the book and turned into a huge red eye glowing skull revealing mangled up freaky lou beast of a a spirit and screamed up close in their faces a piercing scream. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Run! Run! Run! Run for it!" They ran away and ducked under a book shelf. Suddenly, a book fell on Mr. W's head. "Ow! Hey what is this? It's called, The Book of the Future." But instantly upon his reading the title, the book began to shimmer and open. "Hmm, interesting," said Mr. W, "it seems to radiate light as I read it. Lets see, hmm, it says, 'Upon reading this book, old or young, you will take a look, of what is to come, what will happen, how long it will last, or if you desire, you may see the past.' Interesting." He flipped afew pages ahead. "Year AD 2005." Suddenly, the book said "Greetings." "Woah," said Mr. W, "it speaks." "What is your name?" the book asked. "Um, you can call me Mr. Winkoshnuffen." "Would you like to see your fate?" "Um, no, I'm too afraid. But is it true that you can see the future?" "Yes, yes indeed." "Hmm, you could definetely come in handy. Mind if I take you with me?" "Sure, so long as you throw me in the fire." "What?" Suddenly, a fire burst out throughout the library. "AAAAAAAAGH!" screamed Mr. W as, avoiding the flames, he ran out. "I think I've proven my point on being able to see what is to come," said the book. "O.k, then, tell us if were ever going to find everybody else," dared Mr. W. "I thought you didn't want to know your fate!" said the book. "I just don't want to know my very distant fate." "How do you know it won't be a long time before you find the others?" "O.k, fine, just tell me where they are." "Here," said the book as it started to float, "Follow me." Mr. W could hear suspense music.

Meanwhile, Hobbes and Bubbles were looking for CG. "Hey, whats that floating thing over there?" "Um, besides you?" "Yes." "Lets go look. It's a book....that....is.....floating....around...........AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" The AEs ran away, screaming, as the Book of the Future was approaching, leading Mr. W. Meanwhile, Cool Girl was walking around, hoping not to find anything. "Wow," she said, "what an amazing place." Thunder sounded, and the wind blew the light in her lantern out. "Great. I have no more matches. Maybe this old house has a light switch." She looked around, and finally decided, "Hmmm, I think this house is so old that it doesn't have any electricity. Hey, what's that glowing thing over there??" She looked, and screamed. "IT'S A GHOST!!!" She ran away screaming. Fortunately, it didn't see CG. I looked closer. There were thousands of them. "What should we do?" I asked. Bertie came up with an idea. "Distract them, Dave. Jeeves and I will run for that door behind them. A subtle distraction. Throw something. Don't let them notice you, just make them turn their heads away from the path to the door." I was trying to think of something subtle to turn their head, as Jeeves and Bertie were going to run into that room and get to the door. "Hmm...Distract them subtly...I don't know about subtly, but as for distracting..." I threw instruments and costumes to myself, Mr. W, spot_less, and MDB. Al of us started playing our instruments.
"Well it was twenty years ago today,
Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play,
they've been goin' in and out of style,
but they're guarenteed to bring a smile,
so let me introduce to you,
the act you've known for all these years,
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band!"

What happens next? Go to FTDA-Let's Discuss Fashion-FTDA Horror Picture Show to contribute!

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*Okay. I took a lot of heat for that comment on the FTDA. I just want to ask, why? If the NFTDA is a haunted castle, doesn't it make sense that the OFTDA would be a glorious, majestic castle? Na, Goldy, and whoever else complained, could you please email me and explain?